"Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder." I was 35 when the Psychiatrist confirmed it.
I felt conflicted. I'd spent years in counselling trying to figure out the inside of my own head. I thought I had a pretty good understanding of who I was. Now, I doubted if I knew myself at all.
I knew I had quirks. Looking at them now, some of them are textbook ADHD traits. But I also struggle a lot with Impostor Syndrome, Anxiety and Depression. This obviously made my ADHD difficult to diagnose because a lot of the traits can also be attributed to these comorbid conditions.
Because of this, ADHD was not something I'd ever really considered. It was actually my partner, Eliza, who first suggested that's what it could be.
I guess, like most of society, I had a preconceived idea of what ADHD looked like; and it wasn't particularly positive.
When I first started working for Government, I found flexi-time awkward.
Until this point, my entire career had been fixed working patterns and strict start times. If I was 1 minute late, my boss would dock my wages by 15 minutes.
So, it seemed alien to me to have any flexibility at all.
Because bad organisations had conditioned me for over a decade, I thought there must be a catch. I assumed it was one of those things where people say one thing but mean another.
I thought if I came in 30 minutes late people would act fine to my face, but there would be a secret strike against my name. If I chalked up enough strikes I'd get disciplined. The last place I worked loved this secret strike system!
I want to be normal. How many people have muttered these words during times of turmoil? How many people have wanted to trade their noisy racing thoughts, for a brain that was more peaceful? A brain that was numb and void of opinion.
I know I have.
As I sit here, staring at the blank page, I can already feel my anxieties rising. As I begin to write, I find myself trying to imagine how anybody reading this will perceive my words.